Golden Heart

            The next morning I woke up with an enormous headache, most likely due to lack of sleep. I had to wake up early for school. It was my last day as a high school student. You’d think I’d be excited about that but no. I never had a future figured out for myself. I quickly got ready and headed for the door.

Not much really happened during school, just the same old stuff. Walk to school, alone. Go to classes, alone. Eat lunch, alone. Walk home from school, alone. I’m a pretty lonely person. I didn’t really have any real friends. The last time I had a real friend was about two years before, sophomore year. His name was Trevor. He was two years older than me, a senior. He wasn’t exactly what people would call good looking but I found something attractive about him. Maybe it was his ruffled hair that made it look like he just woke up, or maybe it was his bright green eyes that twinkled every time he smiled or his personality alone. I’ll never figure it out. We both had no one else but each other. People always thought we were dating but that was just something we both laughed at.

Over time he started to change a lot. He was good at keeping secrets. I noticed his skin became more pale, his eyes more bloodshot, he had strange mood changes. He was always moving, never still and he kept itching his skin in all sorts of places. Every time I asked him to hang out he always had somewhere else to go and every time we did hang out he was always acting strange. After a while I never saw him in school and my worries with him just grew bigger. I knew something was definitely wrong but I didn’t want to believe it.

One day after school I stopped by his apartment and his stepmother answered the door.

“Hi is Trevor there?”

“Trevor is not here.” She hesitated to tell me but she would’ve had to eventually. “He is at a rehabilitation facility. He’ll be there for a while.”

“Rehab? Why?” She sighed.

“Trevor has developed an addiction to heroine.”

I really didn’t know what to say or to think when she said that. I guess I had a feeling that this was so but I would’ve rather believed in Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny than to believe that this was happening to him, no matter how obvious it was.

“Here’s the address incase you want to visit him.” She kindly handed it to me and looked at me with a hopeless expression then closed the door.  At that moment I really hated him. I hated him for doing heroine in the first place, I hated him for bringing himself down to that level and I hated him for keeping this all away from me. Then again, I should’ve been mad at myself for not doing anything about it earlier when I saw all the signs so clearly.

A couple days after getting the address I decided I’d go over and visit him. I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to scold him or support him. When I walked in I saw him through the window sitting in the small courtyard outside on a bench, all alone. I signed in at the front desk as a visitor and stepped outside. He had his head down but I knew he saw me as I was walking nearer. I sat down right next to him and there was silence for about five minutes until I spoke.

“Hey Trev.”

“Hey.” He said monotonously. There was a long pause.

“So how’s it going? You’re looking better. A bit worn out but better.”
            “Yeah, thanks.”
            “Well…”

 “What?”
            “You never answered my question. How are you?”
            “Oh, yeah. I’m fine.” I waited for more than fine.

“Trevor.” He didn’t answer, “Trevor, answer me.” He finally looked at me in the eyes. He harbored so much sadness. “Trevor, you need to talk to me.”
            “What’s there to talk about Hope? You’ve seen what I’ve become, a reckless mess.”

“Yes I see that but you’re changing. That’s why you’re here.” He started to tear up.
            “No, Hope. People never change after drugs. You do it once, you get hooked and that’s your life forever. It doesn’t matter if you stop for a while; you’ll just come back to it. Believe me, I’m not changing, and I hate myself for it.”

“Trevor. Don’t say that.”
            “No, Hope, you don’t understand.” He said with a raised voice.
            “I don’t understand? What I don’t understand is why you didn’t tell me about all this.”
            “Huh, let’s see, why didn’t I tell you? Well first of all I didn’t want to drag you into this mess. I don’t want you to be like this.” He was so angry and I saw that he was trapped in his own skin.

“I wouldn’t have been dragged into it, I would have stopped you, helped you out.”
            “Or you could have gotten tempted and started doing it yourself.” He stopped abruptly before he continued on and realized the struggles I’ve dealt with from having an alcoholic, drug abusing father. He took a deep breath as I stared away into the distance avoiding eye contact with him. He reached for my shoulder but I moved away.

“I’m sorry, Hope. I know you wouldn’t want to end up like him. That was a stupid thing for me to say. But, I wouldn’t want to risk you getting hurt by me.”

I started to tear up and spoke as my voice quivered, “You risked hurting me by not telling me about all of this.” There was silence as I sniffed back my tears and he let out a heartbroken sigh.

“I get out in three weeks. When I get out I promise I’ll try not to relapse. If I relapse, stay far away from me.”

“You won’t relapse.”
            “Hope, if I relapse, stay away. I’m dangerous.”

I never made that promise to him. I left the center and waited anxiously day by day counting down until he would get out. Finally he got out and the first place he went to was my place. I opened the door to see him with a bunch of flowers for me and for the first time he had his hair brushed down. He looked so good and healthy. He gave me a white gold necklace with a heart outlined in diamonds dangling from the chain. As he put it on me he said, “Thank you for believing in me, Hope.” I was amazed at how beautiful it was.

“Trevor, this is gorgeous! How did you get it? Did you steal it?”

He chuckled. “No, I used up half of my savings from working at that darn florist to get that.”

“Wow, well thank you, you really didn’t have to.”

He smiled observing me as if he had just created a masterpiece and said, “Just pretend that heart is mine and always keep it near yours.”

After that day, I trusted him completely. I thought that there was no way he would fall back into the addiction. There were occasional times when I’d be suspicious of him but I would just let it pass. If I questioned him, he would say things like “What, don’t you trust me?” or “Why don’t you believe me?” or “You’ve given up on me haven’t you?” It wasn’t that I suspected him of lying to me, I was just being over protective; I get that from Matt.

About six months after he left rehab, he went away for Spring break with a couple of his work buddies. I’m not even sure where they went but I tried to stay updated on what he was doing that whole week. The only times I were able to get to him were in the morning and he’d always sound as if he weren’t aware of anything that was going on. That wasn’t really something I thought I should be concerned about because people are usually tired in the morning and aren’t always aware. That week had passed and I waited at his house for him to come home because we had planned to go to this art gallery that had just opened up. I was there for hours and he still wasn’t home. When I tried to call him, it would go straight to voicemail. I became really impatient and just asked Matt if he wanted to go, but he went to see a movie with Vicki, his girlfriend at the time. That Vicki was vicious, but that’s a whole other story. I ended up just going home to read some books.

The next day I woke up to the doorbell ringing. Matt was at work so I had to answer. Before I went to answer the door, I checked my phone as always just to see what time it was and I saw that I had five missed calls from Trevor. I staggered over to the door and surely enough, Trevor was there. I opened the door and stood there leaning on the door frame waiting for his excuse. The strange thing was he didn’t look the least bit ashamed or guilty.

“Hey, Hope, can I come in?” I signaled him to walk in as I yawned deeply.

“So where were you last night?”  He walked in confidently, sat down on the couch, and patted the cushion next to him signaling me to sit. You’d think this was his house. “Are you going to tell me or…”

“Sit first!” I rolled my eyes and reluctantly sat down next to him with my arms folded, avoiding eye contact with him. “Look at me!” I sighed and looked at him and noticed his bloodshot eyes and I gasped. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” I stared at him with a questioning look on my face.

“Trev, you didn’t… I really hope that you didn’t….did you?”

“Hope what are you talking about?”
            “You know! Don’t act stupid with me, you know! Did you do it?” He looked at me, puzzled. He then came to a realization.
            “Really Hope? You think I relapsed? Weren’t you the one trying to convince me that I wouldn’t? And here you are doubting me every five minutes.” I suddenly felt like a scared puppy with its tail between its legs, guilty for assuming the worst.

“I-I’m sorry I just worry about you!”

“Well would you quit that? I’m a grown man.”

“Ok, ok, I’m sorry.” He sat back somewhat frustrated but relieved.

I started to stiffen up and meekly said “But why are your eyes so red?”
“Hope, come on! I need you to trust me.” He grabbed both my hands and looked intensely at me. “Do you trust me?” he asked firmly. His eyes moved quickly side to side looking at each of my eyes individually, trying to see the answer.

“Yes, I do. I trust you.” I said reassuringly.

“Ok, thank you. I had some good news I wanted to tell you.” He moved away from me rubbing his left brow.
“Oh, what is it?” I was genuinely curious. It’s not often we have good news to tell each other.

“Well you know how me and the boys from Frankie’s Flowers went away?” I nodded anxiously for his point. “So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about having my own art gallery. College just isn’t my thing but I know I can truly live and be happy if I can do something like this. When we went over to Cali,”
“That’s where you went?”
“Yeah, L.A.”
“Oh, ok sorry continue.”
“When we were over there, we had dinner one night and I was talking to the boys about it and they were completely supportive. An older man named Mick Lacey over heard and started talking to us. He said he recognized my kind of ambition and appreciated it. He then said that he owns a large café that he’s moving over to the other side of town. He offered me the shop to turn into the gallery but it was too good to be true; I can’t afford something like that. But get this, he says ‘Son, if you help me to clear out the shop this week and move it over to the other building, you can have it. Just make sure you save a couple of those masterpieces for me to look at.’ So all week I’ve been clearing out his shop up until last night. I literally just got home two hours ago, not a wink of sleep. But isn’t that great? How’d I get so lucky?” I’ve never seen his eyes so bright before. He was so excited and the happiest I’ve ever seen him. But this all meant that he wouldn’t be living here anymore. He’d be all the way on the other side of the country.

“Trev, I’m so happy for you!” I was, but I was panicking on the inside of the thought of never seeing him around anymore. “But you’re leaving me.” His expression dimmed down as if he hadn’t thought about that. He scooted over closer to me and put his arm around my shoulder.
“Listen kid, what did I say about that heart around your neck?”
“It’s your heart?”
“Yup and what are you going to do with my heart?”
“Keep it close to mine?”
“Exactly. I’m always in your heart and if I’m always in your heart, I’m never gone.” I wasn’t buying it though. This is the sort of thing you say to a little child. I’m not a child and I’m not easily fooled. I wanted a better explanation, or more. I wanted him to just forget about it all and stay here with me. But then I thought how selfish of me that would be to have him give up his dreams just so I wouldn’t be without him. I never really thought about how hard it would be to let go of someone you love so that they could be happy until now. I decided to suck it up and go along with it.
“You’re right. But how do I know if I’m never gone for you?”
“Don’t worry about it babe. I don’t need a necklace to remind me. You’re practically engraved in there. I’ll call you every single day! I’ll be back at least once a month, I promise!”

            So Trevor went away toLos Angeles to take care of his art Gallery. The first three months he would call everyday. Then it was once a week. Then he’d call once a month. Since then, he’s visited 5 times in total. Two years later and I barely know the guy. The last time I spoke to him was two months ago and it lasted 10 minutes. It would’ve been longer but he said he had to finish up some work. This was exactly what I was afraid of. How do two people who were so close just fall apart into absolutely nothing? “Practically engraved in there” Yeah, Ok. I still wear his heart though.